This story is based on the idea that long ago, in ancient times, heroes ruled and there was peace and dignity throughout the land. It was a time when men and women were respectful and acted as they were expected to. Children were polite and everyone was happy. Well, nevermind that now...remember...I said "in ancient times". Now the world is a much more, well...lets just say, a more colorful place. Sex and drugs run rampant and the land is now a twisted, perverted mess...enjoy.LIST OF SPECIAL ITEMS:
1. Well-hung Willie's Cock-ring
2. Dildo of Endless Pleasure
3. Killer Acid
4. Chalice of Never-ending Beer
5. Amazon Vaginal Soap
6. Orb of Purity
7. Black Rose of Death
8. Giants Butt-plug
9. Stone of Darkness
10. Magic Mushroom
11. Heavy Metal Harp
12. Potion of Sexual Frenzy
13. Blood Stone
14. Bowl of Endless Weed
15. Ancient Alien Device
16. Sword of Impotence
17. Dead Baby
18. Ancient Dragon Skull
19. Heart of Medusa
20. An Ancient Symbol
21. Eye of the Ancients
22. The Kama Sutra
23. Ancient Battle Token
24. Wanted Poster
...The following is a walkthrough that will allow you to aquire the 7 crystals...
THE LAND OF ARDYL: (area 1)
Locations:
1. Curt's House
2. Monkey Lover
3. The Dungeon of Wet Dreams
4. Dead Girl's House
5. Jack Offalot's House
6. Well of Endless Beer
One of the first places you come to as you begin your quest, is Curt's House. He will inform you that he would like you to rid the land of Well-hung Willie. Do I smell a bit of envy in the air? Well, nevermind that now. Continue on and the next group you come acrossed should be the Monkey Lover. He is a twisted individual who appears to be obsessed with his monkey. It's unclear as to whether he is referring to his little companion or his genitals. Make sure you talk to the little guy (Monkey Boy) and he will tell you that he is trying to go straight and then gives you his last batch of Killer Acid. Your next stop should be the Dungeon of Wet Dreams. On the first level, be sure to talk to the Guardian to the Chamber of Virginity. He will inform you that a strange man (Well-hung Willie) with huge genitals has taken over the Chamber of Virginity, thus making it the the Chamber of Lost Virginity. He will then give you a key that will unlock the door inside the chamber. Continue to search the dungeon until you've worked your way down to level 4. Once you locate the Chamber of (lost) Virginity, use the key (of Huge Breast) on the door and then go inside and kill Well-hung Willie. Make sure you search the ground carefully for his cock-ring once you've killed him. Once you've finished exploring the first 4 levels, head back up to the land of Ardyl. Before you continue on, take the cock-ring you got from Willie back to Curtis. This is the proof Curtis requires to proove that you have defeated Well-hung Willie (personally I think Curtis just wants his Cock-ring). He will then give you the key to the locked chest in the back room of his house, which contains the first Crystal.
Once you have the first crystal, continue on. One of the next places you should discover is the house of a dead girl. Her ghost will tell you that in life, she abused her body, giving sexual pleasures to every man and women she encountered. Now her soul cannot rest and she requires something that will allow her to find peace. Continue on and you should meet Jack Offalot. He will be standing outside his house and he tells you that his wife has locked him out of the house until he can proove to her that the sex is great. The problem is that he can't get past the ungodly smell of his wifes pussy and that no amount of (ordinary) soap seems to help. Continue your exploration of Ardyl and you should eventually come to the Well of Endless Beer. Before entering, be sure to talk to the Dirty Little Slut just outside the well. She'll let you know that she is in need of something that can satisfy her extreme sexual urges. Now enter the well and be sure to talk to the Pissed-off Amazon on first level (level 5). She will tell you that she has recently left the other Amazons because of an incident that occured during their last Lick-fest. It seems that the odor from an Amazon's pussy is some powerful stuff and that the girls in her group neglected to wash themselves before the last Lick-fest. This obviously causes extreme nausia and violent puking. She will then give you the Amazon Vaginal Soap. Continue down to the next level and look for a small room with a man standing in the back corner. This is Rob the Junky. He will tell you that he needs a buzz badly but all he has is this silly dildo. If you give him the Killer Acid you got from Monkey Boy, he will thank you and give you the Dildo of Endless Pleasure. To save time, return to the surface and give the didlo to the Dirty Little Slut outside the well. She will go nuts with it and give you the Chalice of Never-ending Beer in return.
Re-enter the well and continue exploring until you come to a room on the 4th level (level 8) that has a huge rock formation blocking the entrance. Through the cracks you can see a savage werewolf pacing the room. As soon as you shatter the stone with one mighty blow, the werewolf attacks. Upon its defeat, you should discover a small key (of many drinks) that the beast was carrying. Take the key and unlock the door inside the room. There you will meet Dennis the Drunk. Dennis loves beer and can never seem to get enough of it. If you've backtracked to the surface and aquired the chalice from the Dirty Little Slut, you can give it to Dennis. Now that his dreams have come true, he gives you a key to the chest behind him which contains the second crystal. Once you've finished exploring the dungeon, return to the surface. Before we continue on to the next area, go back to Jack Offalot's house and give him the Amazon Vaginal Soap. He will be thrilled and give you the Kama Sutra in return. Now he can re-enter his home and enjoy a full night of sex without vomiting (for more on this, check out Secrets and Side Quests at the bottom of this walkthrough).
THE LAND OF MARGHOR: (area 2)
Locations:
1. Tracy the Witch
2. The Old Unicorn
3. Mary the Herbalist
4. The Dealer's Crypt
5. Forest of the Damned
6. Ancient Battle Chamber
This section is not necessarily in any particular order due to the fact that you might encounter these areas in any given order. But here is what is required in each section. When you meet the Old Unicorn, you discover that he is aged and his days of adventuring are over. He recognizes the soul of a worthy adventurer within you, so he gives you his last item of value, the Ord of Purity. Then he tells you of the nice lesbian lady who owns the cottage. When you talk to her, she warns you of an evil wiccan that is pretending to be a good witch. When you meet Mary the Herbalist, you discover that she is in a sticky situation. It seems that she has created some Golemns to serve her using a Stone of Darkness, but without the stone, she looses control over the beasts. She then tells you that she has misplaced the stone. The Golemns tell you that she is always leaving it in the house (perhaps on purpose) and everytime she does, they will force her to dance naked all night long. So search the house and in the chest you should find the Stone of Darkness. Take it back outside and give it to Mary. She is grateful and gives you a Magic Mushroom in return. For now, we must ignore the Battle Chamber because it isn't accessible to us at present, so just remember it for now. Tracy the Witch will be standing outside her home when you encounter her. She tells you that she is a good witch in need of a final ingredient for her latest spell...a Black Rose of Death. Once you have met all of these folks, you should next visit the entrance to the Dealer's Crypt. When you enter this building, you will meet the Mean Old Bastard that watches over the place. He is a bit of a handful but will give you the Giants Butt-plug to get you to leave him alone. Next, enter the third dungeon area through a coffin against the back wall.
Explore the first level of this dungeon, then make your way to the second level (level 10)...The Chamber of Winds. This is sort of like a small labrynth which requires just a couple little tricks to get you through. At what appears to be the first dead end, you should notice the sound of strong winds as you approach an empty bookcase looking thing. It also resembles a cupboard, I think. This should inform you of a secret passage behind the bookcase. If you look directly across from the case you should notice a torch that has blown out due to the wind coming through the secret passage. If you examine the torch you will discover that it doubles as a lever which opens the secret passage behing the bookcase. Continue on and you will come to a magical gate that wont let you through. This part requires 2 playing characters to get beyond. On this side of the gate you should be able to find a small floor-switch that you can step on. When you do, the gate opens, but as soon as you step off of it, the gate closes again. You will have to leave one of your party members on the floor-switch and walk the other one on through the gate. To get to other person through, look for the same type of floor-switch on the other side of the gate and stand your first character on it. This should hold the door open so that you can get your remaining character through. Continue to search the dungeon until you've worked your way down to the 4th level (level 12). You've made it to the Dealer's Crypt where you'll meet Kevin the Dealer. He's a cautious individual that doesn't take too kindly to strangers (probably an occupational hazard for the lifestyle of dealing in illegal substances). He will tell you that he is out of everything right now but he'ld love to have some Magic Mushrooms. If you've already helped Mary the Herbalist, you should now have a Magic Mushroom to give to him. When you do, he gives you the key to unlock the entrance to the room he guards which holds a huge spider. When you defeat the spider, out pops the third crystal.
Next, travel to the Forest of the Damned, which is the entrance to the 4th dungeon area. On the first level, you will meet Big Jim. He is waiting on his friend to return. It seems that Big Jim has a bit of a problem. He is suffering from an extreme case of diarrhea and is afraid to move because he might shit right down his leg. If you've already visited the Dealer's Crypt, then you should have the Giants Butt-plug. If you give it to him, he will give you the Potion of Sexual Frenzy. He's still afraid to move but you have lessened his burden a bit. Continue to the next level (level 14) and search it until you find the room that holds Big Jim's friend...Poor Dead Bill. Talk to Bill's ghost and he will inform you that he was attacted and killed while looking for a restroom. Now his spirit is held there and he wishes you to destroy the Dark Reaper (The Grim Refer) that rules over the place. He then gives you the Blood Stone. Explore the dungeon until you've worked your way down the the 4th level (level 16). On this level you should find the room of the Dark Reaper. The door is magical and can only be opened with the Blood Stone. Use the stone on the door and kill the Grim Refer. Upon his defeat, he will drop the 4th crystal.
THE LAND OF ORMAR: (area 3)
Locations:
1. The Herrings
2. Pot Farmer
3. The Mute Old Man
4. The Hall of Ancients
5. Dungeon of Lost Herb
6. Dungeon of Eternal Youth
When you visit the Herrings, you discover that Mr. Herring (Thurman) is having problems getting his wife (Jane) to put out. It seems that no matter what he tries, he just can't get her to give it up. If you helped out Big Jim in the previous section, then you should have the Potion of Sexual Frenzy that Thurman needs. When you give it to him he gives you an Ancient Alien Device that he discovered in the woods. When you meet the Pot Farmer (his wife thinks he grows corn) he tells you of his good fortune. It seems that this years crops are doing great. He has so much herb growing now that he has no need of his magic Bowl of Endless Weed so he gives it to you. You'll come to a small house with a stone statue of a man, outside. There is a sign nearby, left by a long since dead friend of the Mute Old Man. It appears that the statue is actually an old man who was turned to stone long ago by Medusa the Ugly Bitch, and only the Heart of Medusa can free him. Now you should enter the Dungeon of Lost Herb. On the first level (level 17) you will meet Eric the Forgetful. It seems that after a night of heavy toking, he has lost his bowl and can't smoke anymore. If you give him the Bowl of Endless Weed that you got from the Pot Farmer, he will give you the key to a room that holds a great crystal. Explore the dungeon until you've reached the 4th level (level 20)...Chamber of the Ancients. This room was left long ago by the ancient and decent folks of the past. They hid some of their most valued items in statues. Use the key you got from Eric and kill the monsters waiting for you inside. Make sure you bust all of the statues in this area because they hold some valuable items that you can sell if you don't need them or can't use them yet. One of the statues holds the next crystal. When you reach the 6th dungeon entrance, you should find an ancient Dragon Seal on the ground. Before we can enter the 6th dungeon area, you require an item from the 4th area...The Land of Serkesh. Be sure to check the dead guy (possibly a victim of Gay Bob) because he has 2 items of value for your characters.
Once you have the Sword of Impotence, you should return to this area. Stab the sword into the stone beside the Dragon Seal and it will open the entrance to the 6th dungeon area. Work your way down to the 4th area of this dungeon (level 24) and find a room called the Chamber of Eternal Youth (On your way down, take note of the Chamber of Lust...level 22). Bust the door to the Chamber of Eternal Youth, and kill the vampires inside. The head vampire (Count Dracula) holds the 6th crystal. Remember to open the chests inside the chamber because they hold 2 youth potions a piece for a total of 4. If your characters' age is not presently a concern, you can get a nice chunk of change for selling them back in town.
LAND OF SERKESH: (area 4)
Locations:
1. Metal-head Chris
2. Medusa the Ugly Bitch
3. Gay Bob's House
4. Dirty Old Man
5. Entrance to Level 25
6. Final Dungeon
When you first meet Metal-head Chris, you learn that he is a struggling musician in need of a good instrument. Just remember him for now. See "Secrets and Side Quests" for what to do with Medusa the Ugly Bitch. The Dirty Old Man lives all alone and is now nearing the end of his final days. He no longer has a use for most of his items and he gives you the Sword of Impotence (required to enter the 6th dungeon area). If you continue on you'll eventually find Gay Bob's House. He isn't home right now so you can go on in and check things out (more on this later). You'll know the entrance to the 7th dungeon area because the entrance resembles a huge demon skull (the default entrance on the editor but it looked so cool, I had to use it at least once) with the mouth as the entrance. Make note of a room on the first level, known as the Tomb of Treasures (see Secrets and Side Quests for more on this). Explore until you've worked your way down to the 4th level of this dungeon (level 28). You are now in the Chamber of the Giant Worm. This was another room left by the Ancients. It holds a magical item...the Heavy Metal Harp, but it is guarded by a giant worm. To get past the locking mechanism the ancients built into the door, you'll need the Ancient Alien Device. Kill the Giant worm that attacks you and recieve the Heavy Metal Harp. When you're done exploring, go back to the surface and give the harp to Metal-head Chris. He will reward you with a key that opens the chest in his house. Now you can go on in and get the last crystal.
Secrets and Side Quests:
The Dead Girl/Tracy the Witch
Take the Orb of Purity you got from the Old Unicorn, back to the Dead Girl in Area 1. She will give you the Black Rose of Death once she finds peace. Take the rose back to Tracy the Witch in area 2 and you will discover that she is actually the evil wiccan Brandy the Good Witch (the Old Unicorn area) warned you about. With the last ingredient, she finishes her latest spell right before your eyes. She suddenly transforms into a huge werewolf and attacks! You are forced to kill her.
Hall of Ancients/Gay Bob's House/Tomb of Treasures
When you go inside Gay Bob's House, you find his latest victim, tied up to some strange sexual torture device. If you free him, he gives you the Eye of the Ancients and then splits. Looks like he's not too fond of old Bob's ways of doing things. Take the Eye back to the Hall of Ancients in area 3. Use it on the entrance and go inside. Make sure you check out the dragon head on the back wall of the clearing in the center. When you bust it, you get the Ancient Symbol. Now go back to the first level (level 28) of the 7th dungeon. Find the Tomb of Treasures and use the Ancient Symbol on the door. Kill the monsters that await you inside and search all the chests. You should find 4 very high level items and 2 of each of all the potions that raise attributes 1 point.
Crazy Gypsy
The Crazy Gypsy (Ms. Cleo) you meet outside of the Forest of the Damned, claims to have the ability to remove curses and dark energy but she requires an Ancient Dragon Skull. If you checked the chest in the Grim Refer's room (level 16) you should have found the Ancient Dragon Skull. When you give it to the Crazy Gypsy, she says some mumbo-jumbo and then gives you a youth potion.
Mute Old Man/Medusa the Ugly Bitch
Bust the door to Medusa's lair (area 4) and go inside and kill her. Make sure you pick up the Heart of Medusa and take it back to the Mute Old Man that was turned to stone long ago. Use it on him and he will reward you with a youth potion.
Gay Bob
If you searched carefully you should have discovered a dead body in the Chamber of Winds (level 10). This was another unfortunate victim of Gay Bob. If you search the desk beside the dead body you find the Wanted Poster. Read it and you'll discover that Gay Bob is to be killed on site for sexual crimes performed on unwilling subjects. Take the Wanted Poster back to the Dirty Old Man's house in the 4th area. Look around the side of his house and you'll find a pervert who has been watching the old man for some time now. This is Gay Bob. Show him the Wanted Poster and he shows his true self. Defend yourself and show him that you don't play that game.
Slutty Suzy/Ancient Battle Chamber
You should have met Slutty Suzy in the Chamber of Lust (level 22) after you opened the Dragon Seal. The madam there tells you that all the girls are currently out making house calls and nobody is there to pleasure you. Suzy in located in the little room off to the side. She tells you that she has been shamed because she is unable to please neither men or women sexually, and she wishes she knew the secrets the other girls do to please their partners. Give her the Kama Sutra you got from Jack Offalot back in area 1. She is pleased and after trying out a few of the techniques on you, she rewards you with the Ancient Battle Token. In ancient times, these coins were used to show worth and only those who carried them were allowed entrance into the Battle Chambers. Take the token back to the Ancient Battle Chamber in area 2 and use it on the entrance. Now you can go inside and practice fighting 6 different types of monsters by activating various floor panels and levers. This is also a good way to build up items to sell, cash and experience points.
Dead Baby
If you search back behind Gay Bob's House, you'll find a bunch of boards on the ground. When you search them you'll unfortunately discover a Dead Baby. I wasn't originally going to include this part. It seemed like too much. I thought this was a morbid idea and had a certain creepiness to it so I went with the Dead Baby anyways. At first it appears that the baby has no use and is just some yucky thing you've picked up. But if you search around hard enough, you'll find something productive to do with it. I don't want to give this away just yet but if you really want to know and can't figure it out, email me at phobia@bright.net for the answer.
Hidden items
If you check carefully behind the Mute Old Man's house, you'll discover 2 potions that raise attributes, hidden in some weeds. On the level where you met Eric the Forgetful (level 17) there is a secret room that holds several potions to raise character attributes. To find it, notice the empty bookcase along the wall. Then look for a torch that has burned out, near the entrance to the next level. Pull the torch to activate the opening to the secret room. Now go back to the bookcase and you should notice that it has moved. Walk on through and you should find a room with several chests. There is no real point to the Chicken Lover. He's just a sick element I added in there. The only thing you can really do with him is go smack some chickens dead when they attack you. It seems that they don't like what Chicken Lover has been doing to them. Every time you walk under the strange glow, another chicken pops out...and another...and another...and another...forever. You can get items and cash slowly this way, but I think it's probably more fun just smacking the chickens dead in one shot as they pop out and attack. Also keep an eye out for hanging bookshelves and pews. There are several magic books hidden throughout the quest.